An Epic in Grime (Part 2)

Goblin Camp is described as “a simulation game which follows the lives of a group of orcs and goblins and their bloody misadventures” and “a roguelike citybuilder, inspired by Anno 1404, Dwarf Fortress and Dungeon Keeper.” I’ve decided to chronicle my attempt to guide a ragbag collection of greenskinned misfits in their efforts to pollute the unspoiled countryside. You can read part one here. 

When last we left my little fortress of gobitude, starving wolves were circling and one of my goblins had just exploded as a result of a bee sting. The bees themselves were all slaughtered. so there are still scores of bee gibs scattered everywhere when the wolves show up. I’ve seen starving wolves before and they usually just steal food, but I’d rather they didn’t. Maybe they’ll eat some bee chunks instead.

So where are those damn wolves? I order the Stone Choppas to guard the southwest corner of the camp to try and fend them off. The game doesn’t have a minimap and it can be quite hard to locate creatures elsewhere on the map. Hopefully that’ll be added in a later release.

Wolves turn out to be fast. They slice up a goblin, sweeping around the northern side of the camp. The Choppas hurry over and kill one wolf, but the other three escape with loaves of bread. Bastards. Moments later some mastodons show up. This worries me, but it turns out they’re just migrating, and they’re a long way off, so hopefully they won’t try and kill anything. I’ll leave them alone for now too.

For some reason no one is dumping corpses in the spawning pool. Come on guys! We need more goblins to replace Irponk and Scurrying Tipol. Goblins don’t grow themselves. Taking a leaf from the book of Dwarf Fortress I pause and have a little google around this problem. According to the GC forum I need buckets to dump stuff into the pool. Right then, time to make some buckets. I also order ramparts constructed around the north of my camp, as the eastern defences are completed.

At this point the game crashes, resetting me to a point during the wolf attack. For some reason they’re in the middle of my pile, and my sluggish guards (WHY DON’T YOU SLEEP IN A BED YOU FOOLS) can’t keep up with them. This time they make off with two loaves of bread and two chunks of Irponk. A fifth wolf (there was a fifth??) is hammered to death by a passing non-military orc. Er… good stuff!

Post-crash, Baluchitheriums are migrating outside my camp. Lots of different mega-mammals in GC, it seems. Like the mammoths they keep well away from my camp, which is a blessing.

Next to appear are some rabid albino rats. The attacks are coming thick and fast now. Fortunately the rats are off to the north, on the far side of a large body of water, so I hope they’ll take a while to reach my camp. I don’t think my ramparts will be ready in time, sadly.

Winter begins. Still no sign of the albino rats. Perhaps they got lost or bored.

Some time later, they begin to show up dead. Three of them made it to my camp. I think two of them just keeled over dead after their lengthy ordeal, and the third was bludgeoned to death by Gobsnik. This is somewhat underwhelming, but I can hardly complain.

The orc in the carpenter’s finishes off some buckets, at last, and goblins begin to dump filth, water and corpses into the pile. Hoorah! Almost immediately an orc slithers out of it.

Hungry birds are spotted to the east; at least they’re not angry. I guess my ramparts are going to be useless against these avian invaders, unless they’re so weakened by hunger they’re crawling along the ground with their wings. In which case, I imagine they’d represent a delicious snack to my greenskins.

For some reason the remaining rampart construction and ditch dig orders have cancelled themselves. Um. Let’s try that again, eh?

Increasingly, everyone seems to be hungry. I’m a bit confused about why no one seems to be working the farm plots. I’ve got plenty of seeds, the plots are built, and I’ve allocated each plot a particular seed type. I pause the game for a moment and try to figure it out. Maybe I need to use the stock manager to order a minimum number of Bloodberries and Nightblooms? Let’s try that. I can’t seem to do the same for Blueleaf so if this is the problem for the other two, I can’t fix it for Blueleaf in this way. I also construct a Kitchen, because maybe that will alert my greenskins to the fact that they will need to grow their own food. Finally, I order a bunch more wild plants harvested. Maybe that will keep my camp ticking along a while longer, hmm?

I unpause and wait, hoping that the hungry birds will helpfully fly their way in, assist with constructing the kitchen and then obligingly hop in the stew pot.

Spring begins. A quick google has informed me that this is when planting should occur. So get planting, guys! Stop staring mournfully at our one radish! And they do. I thank Gork and Mork for the possibility that everyone might not starve to death after all. I’m relieved that this has worked, too, since the spawning pool just expanded again and another goblin has oozed out.

“Elik smashed Amop into pulp”

Oh dear. I don’t know what their disagreement was about. Some pieces of Amop are carried away by other nearby goblins. Fortunately another diminutive greenskin has just popped out of the pool to replace him. I disable the filth and corpse dumping whilst I finish some of my preparations for an expanded camp, as I’m a bit worried that I won’t be able to support a growing population. To this end I expand my farmplots, order digging and tree felling around the pond to continue, and order some crates and barrels made so I can keep my pile more organised. (Supposedly one can do this: I have absolutely no idea how, unfortunately.)

“Naffsnik was crushed by Gobsnik”

Crap. I realise at this point that my orcs and goblins are getting so hungry they’re literally eating each other. At least my farm plots are functioning now, even if I can’t harvest for a while yet. I reactivate the spawning pool, since at this rate I’ll need fresh manpower.

“Zhunafrat bludgeoned Ompak to death”

There haven’t been any creature attacks in a while, which is a blessed relief. The hungry birds never even showed up.

“Grotnafnaga the Vile bludgeoned Elik to death”

You got yours, Elik!

“Treacherous Irpsik was crushed by Dimwitted Irpol”

Oh man. Someone ate the radish! Who ate the radish, guys? Seriously, we were saving that radish.

“Backstabber Tupik bludgeoned Gorgul to death”

A new gobbo spawns as the pool expands. There are lots of corpses going in there now, I guess.

“Ruppak the Slow lost his will to live”

“Kopong the Downtrodden was cut into ribbons”

“Shagsnik bludgeoned Orpak to death”

“Scurrying Ilok has left the mortal realms”

Summer begins, and I envision clear skies with a brilliant sun gazing down upon a disgusting, disorganised settlement slick with the blood of its residents, the scattered survivors unable to make eye contact as they chew hungrily on the bones of their friends and neighbours. A lot of my goblins are periodically panicking. I can’t really blame them. Life expectancy around here has really plummeted quite dramatically.

Fortunately, Ilok seems to have been the last to go into the pot (or more accurately, the last to be dismembered and eaten alive whilst trying to dig a pond). I guess enough of the oldest orcs and goblins ate enough of each other that things reached a sort of sickening equilibrium.

What can possibly go wrong now?