Deus Ex: Human Revolution is a bit crap. You probably don’t realise this, because you are one of Them. But it is. I am like a character from an episode of The Twillight Zone, waking up one day to find that everyone else in the world has changed and I’ve stayed the same, because They are everywhere. They’ve taken control of Metacritic, corrupted our sales charts, burrowed into our games reviewers, and even infected what appears to be somewhere in the region of 100% of video game players.
What we are witnessing here is a grand conspiracy theory as befitting the so-called fiction of the game itself – reviewers paid off with promises of money and power, the media utilized as a tool of social control to drive the opinions of the masses, enhanced with chemical or psychological manipulation on a worldwide scale. It is a case of Internet Hive Mind, a mass hysteria in line with the Koro epidemics  in Asia, but spread across the global population using the power of GameFAQs whilst the illumaniti puppeteers hide in plain sight, in the offices of Eidos Montreal. It’s also possible that 80% of the people who post opinions about games on web forums have never actually played it, but more likely this suggestion is borne of yet more propaganda.
I didn’t want to have to be the one to speak out about this because I will inevitably become a target for Them, but someone has to do it. We, the gamers, can’t just lie down and let Them abuse our minds in this manner. If you are like me, able to see the truth underneath the canvas of lies – welcome brothers and sisters. We are the last remaining bastions of the resistance. You have been brave in coming here, and braver still to maintain your resolve. As much as I would love to list the myriad flaws and mistakes present in the game, taking it in turns to think of things that are stupid so that the other one can say “I KNOW!â€, we have a larger fight to focus on and our enemies are strong and numerous.
You might imagine that we can live in peace, side by side with Them. Unfortunately, Deus Ex: Human Revolutions is rarely that complicated. For Them, choice is but an illusion, and all things tend towards violence. They have to fight. And we must be ready for Them.
I have intercepted some of Their communications, and have heard talk of this game successfully evoking the spirit of its famous predecessor. This is both impressive and terrifying, as they must have access to some form of time travel device in order to have made the original Deus Ex a clunky sub-par Gears of War clone years before the latter game was even released. This is further evident in the AI script of the game, which appears to have been lifted from the year 2000, from an ancient text rumoured to have great and terrible powers, and known only by the name “Daikatanaâ€. We can only speculate what other forms of advanced technology They may have access to.
So what’s next? Where do we go from here? As painful as it sounds friends, we just wait. In a few years time, They will all replay the game and declare that it ‘hasn’t aged well’, oblivious to the mind control that once clouded their eyes to the truth that it was quite rubbish all along. This may occur amongst large groups of Them simultaneously, in an example of what’s known as Mass-Mass Effect-Effect. In the meantime, Their aggression should be avoided – take note of pillars or knee-height walls in your local area; if one of Them engages you in open combat, these can be crouched behind for a minute or two until they forget that they were angry with you.
If being especially vigilant, keep a number of cardboard boxes in your home or workplace, They have been observed declaring that there is ‘lots to do’ in the DEHR hub worlds, which I can only surmise is a reference to looking at or picking up these boxes. This may provide adequate distraction for Them whilst you make your escape. If your path away from Them involves doors, stairs, ladders, corners or more than roughly 15 metres of distance, they will not pursue you and will quickly lose aggression.
If you see one wibbling about behind a desk, it is likely that They have found themselves taking cover against a surface which doesn’t support leaning around efficiently. Be very wary of getting too close to them in this situation, as They will often have accidentally thrown a grenade at themselves which has subsequently become lodged in their face. Listen for the tell-tale signs of ticking to avoid being caught short in this manner.
So until our day comes, we must simply wait. Soon, the world will know the truth. For your own piece of mind, I suggest you tell at least one of your friends or colleagues that DEHR is probably a 6/10 game at best, to ensure that when They have their minds opened to the truth, you can at least baske in the warmth of your early adopted insight. Until then – stay strong, and stay safe.
Comments
16 responses to “The Conspiracy of Deus Ex: Human Revolutions”
Eh, I used a crapload of AI exploits to beat Gothic II and still had a great time.
Well said brother..I've been saying this about media pushed games for years!
Yikes! If your comparisons to Mass Effect are true than I should definitely avoid DXHR! I pushed my way through Mass Effect 1 twice sometime last year to have a character leveled up for ME2 because I was interested not only in all the hype behind the game but because of the crossover saves and you can ask AJ how much I enjoyed that experience.
To the point, I did not (yet I still pushed onwards in hopes that ME2 would be better).
ME2 though looked and played slightly better, was still an utter bore to play.
I've never played more than the first level of the original Deus Ex and simply couldn't stand it, I've even considered trying to go back to it to play through it before DXHR but this would likely be a very foolish move on my behalf, even though I still hear of how incredible a game it is.
This article has relegated the game into the tried and true category of "Waiting for Steam Sale".
I feel obliged to say that I'm past twenty hours into Human Revolution and I'm loving it. ;)
That post is hilarious, nice one Dylan.
The reference to the cardboard boxes makes me think of Old Man Murray.
Cardboard boxes: the new thinking-man's crate.
MindJack: the new action-man's Stephen Hawking?
Mindjack the new man's Mindjack
Men: the new MindJack's Jill.
I think I'm going to enjoy reading about the excellent and not at all far fetched Driver San Francisco.. Or whatever city they're in.. I played teh reworking of the PSX classic on an iPhone the other day and thought, "I prefer this to the bells and whistles job they've done on this spangly 'next-gen' uberness…". I was not impressed..
Excellent bells and whistles job?
I don't know if anyone's planning a Driver review. I'll definitely be picking it up, but Dead Island is next on the list so if a review happens from me it won't be for a while. Shaun is interested to, so he maybe planning one.
Demo was a little bit disheartening cos the controls were a bit weak, but I will get used to that if it means I can participate in open-world car chases, one of the golden gems of gaming fun-times.
The original, on the other hand, was awful. Horrible handling even at the time, so I imagine they're just abysmal now. Add playing on an iPhone into the mix and it sounds like £4.99 worth of sheer pain.
It's not on my list but I do think it'll be fun to play at some point. I'm not much of a cargame guy though.
After Deus Ex I'll probably be going back to grinding down my Backloggery. :)
I am probably going to sit down with Driver soon. Dead Island is sold out in most places in Montreal, which makes me feel stupid for putting off my purchase for so long.
I haven't played DEHR, but I've watched Kenty play it a fair bit. Unfortunately, he never got past the point where the main character removes the yellow goggles and can see the world in anything other than a spectrum of yellow-orange-brown. How far into the game exactly do the goggles come off?
I think you need to go into the options menu for that. So about Act 2, Chapter 1.
I hate the game. navigating around Detroit is a nightmare, everytime you get sent somewhere you follow the map only to be stopped by some unexplained electric field. i messed up persuading the cop to let me into the building, then found out the only alternative way in was via the sewers. i dilligently found the entrance via the sewers to find a hackable security door. unfortunately I was not "augmented" enough to hack to level 3 so started doing some side missions to gain some praxis points. Did i succeed? Did i bollocks, because when I went following a lead I ended up face to face with more bloody elcetric fields. For f**k's sake. Why make it so difficult just to get from point a to point b? the story is held back by hours of wandering around trying to find your way around. what a shame. I'm selling my copy now. A load of shite.